Married, bi-curious, and wondering how others navigate this.

I’m a married man, coming up on 20 years of marriage this month. I’ve been a member of this site for more than half of those 20 years. For a long time, this has been a place where I could explore my attraction to men, especially my appreciation for men in sexy spandex, without worrying about being judged or having my interests discovered by people in my everyday life. For many months now, possibly even more than a year, there has been very little intimacy in my marriage. Thankfully, my wife is understanding of the fact that I still have sexual needs and has never made me feel guilty for taking care of those needs on my own. Recently, though, we had a serious and meaningful conversation about the fact that my needs go beyond masturbation and pornography. I asked her how she would feel about me looking outside of our marriage for a partner. She told me that she would be hurt, particularly because she already feels badly about her lack of interest in intimacy and worries that she isn't fulfilling what she sees as her role as a wife. At the same time, she said that she would prefer not to know if I ultimately sought intimacy elsewhere. That conversation has left me thinking much more seriously about something I've been feeling for quite a while: I want to experience a relationship with a man. Not simply looking at pictures or having conversations online, but actually developing a connection with another man and exploring that side of myself. I've talked with several men here, and I genuinely enjoy sharing thoughts, desires, and hopes with people who understand some of what I'm feeling. But eventually, conversation alone doesn't satisfy the desire for an actual connection. So I'm curious about the experiences of other married men who find themselves in a similar position. Maybe you're straight-but-curious, bisexual, or simply discovering that you have an attraction to men that you haven't acted on before. How do you navigate those feelings while being married? How do you find people who understand the situation you're in? Obviously, location and chemistry matter. Trust, discretion, and having compatible expectations matter too. I'm not necessarily looking for someone to solve this for me. I'm more interested in hearing from men who have been through something similar and learning how we might make it easier for people in these circumstances to find one another and build genuine connections. Are there others here trying to figure out the same thing?

kind of in the same situation.  but I never discussed it with my wife.  Im trying to find a local guy in the same situation where I can develop a close meaningful friendship where we can do activities together and feel comfortable with jsut telling him anything and that would hopefully lead to more.  but Im finding it extreemly difficult myself.  

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We talked privately about the frustration of distance and how difficult it can be to find like-minded guys who are actually close enough to meet. Hopefully, if we can get enough people contributing to this conversation, more and more of us will realize that the person we’re hoping to find might not actually be as far away as we once thought. Sometimes it just takes a few people being willing to speak openly and start the conversation. Maybe by sharing our experiences and connecting with one another, we can make those local connections a little easier to find.

What part of my topic do you find very complicated?

I was in the same boat as you a few years ago, for different reasons. My marriage was falling apart and I was no longer attracted to the woman. We divorced and I was single for about a year. I had sexual encounters with multiple women and trans women, but couldn’t find a man to explore with. If anyone has any tips to explore that side, I’d be open to suggestions as well. 

I've been on this site on and off for quite a while and I'm in a similar situation.  I've been enthralled by spandex since I was in my teens.  My first wife didn't get it.  My second wife has no idea.  I'd call myself bi except for the fact that I've never enjoyed another man face to face.  I've entertained the notion more than once but various hang ups (age, self consciousness, health concerns) have gotten in the way.  Thanks for posting this thread.  I've always known I wasn't alone but it's great to hear from others.

I share many of the experiences, which include being on this website off and on for the last 20 years.  I always loved the thrill of having other guys watch me jerk off.  It's only in the last year or two that I would more confidently identify as bi, though.  That was partly my own religious and family background that held me back from ultimately being honest with myself.   I have played with a few guys, and have tried to go to some nude beaches when I can.  I tried ending the marriage 2 years ago, but ended up staying in it.  That has made the path to figuring out how/when/where I can enjoy time with guys a bit trickier.  Things are better now than they used to be in the marriage (sexually and otherwise); but sometimes I'd really love to have a beautiful cock in my mouth, blowing a huge load, you know? 

I know this site wasn't created to be a place for talking about relationship difficulties or figuring out how to accept who we are. It's meant to celebrate our bodies in spandex, the confidence it can give us, and the enjoyment of knowing there are other men out there who love wearing and sharing that experience together. But I've been hearing from so many men here who are married to women and are struggling with something deeper—the realization that they also have a strong desire to see, connect with, or be with another man, particularly in the world of spandex that brought many of us here in the first place. I want to bring that conversation out into the open. Maybe there are far more of us going through the same thing than we realize. We can support each other, share our experiences, and talk honestly about both our struggles and our successes as we try to understand ourselves, find acceptance, and eventually fulfill desires we've kept hidden for years. I don't believe there's anything wrong with the feelings we're having. What concerns me is how long many of us have denied those feelings, sometimes at the expense of our own happiness. Change is scary, and I understand why so many people are afraid of it. But I also believe it's possible to make changes and eventually live a more honest and fulfilling life. I'm not suggesting that everyone's path has to look the same, or that anyone should make decisions before they're ready. I simply hope that by sharing our stories honestly, we can help each other feel less alone and perhaps give each other the courage to be more honest with ourselves and, when the time is right, with the people we love. So I'd really like to know—do you understand the message I'm trying to share here? Do you feel this is something we could support each other through as a community?

I can understand your reluctance and the hesitation you've had about leaving your current situation. Like I've said before, change is scary, and sometimes people would rather remain in a situation that's familiar and comfortable than take the risk of chasing something they deeply want. I find it sad when we convince ourselves that “this is as good as it's going to get” and, in doing so, push away a deeply rooted part of who we are just to avoid rocking the boat. I don't think there has to be a simple choice between completely giving up those feelings and completely turning your life upside down. There have to be better ways for us to navigate these situations, even if the answer looks different for each person. I'm fortunate to be in a marriage where my wife and I can talk openly and honestly about what we both want and how we feel. At the same time, I respect her boundaries when she tells me that she would be hurt if I pursued intimacy outside our marriage. Having that openness doesn't necessarily make everything easy, but it does give us a foundation of honesty and understanding. I know not everyone here has the same circumstances, and I don't think there's one answer that will work for everyone. But I do believe we owe it to ourselves to be honest about who we are and what we feel, and then figure out how to approach those feelings honestly and respectfully with the people we love. I don't want any of us to feel like unhappiness is simply something we have to accept. Maybe we can use this community to share our experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and the things we've learned along the way. Even a story of hope or an idea that worked for someone else might give another guy the courage to take the next step toward understanding himself and finding a happier, more fulfilling life.

Does she know that you are bi? Maybe she would feel better knowing you want to explore another side of yourself rather than just have sex with other women? Also I think you should reassure her, I find it sad that she thinks she owe you intimacy as part of her "role as a wife". Seeing it that would lead to feel even more stress and anxious about it rather than seeing it as fun activity with the man she loves. Our sexual desire fluctuate and sadly our system isn't kind on women. She seems wonderful so I'm sure both of you will find a solution if you continue to communicate 

This is all very complicated, but here is my advice. Before you blow up your marriage over a fantasy, plan an out of town trip and actually hook up with a guy. Make up an excuse to go to a big city and don't tell your wife what your plan really is. You may find that it's just a fantasy and you don't like sex with men. By going out of town, you can avoid running into the hook up guy in case it does not work out. Depending on the outcome of your weekend, you can figure out your next steps.  BTW, kudos for communicating with your wife over (some) of your needs.  Good luck. 

Thank you for the advice. I’m still very much in the beginning stages of exploring my bisexuality and figuring out what this part of myself means for me. I actually spoke with my wife last night and finally laid all the cards on the table. I told her about my long-standing attraction to men, especially my fascination with men in spandex, bikinis, thongs, and anything that emphasizes the body. I also opened up about my desire to eventually have an intimate experience with a man. She is an absolutely amazing woman. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a more accepting or understanding reaction. She listened, understood where I was coming from, and even surprised me by asking if she could be there the first time I have an experience with a man. After keeping this part of myself hidden for so many years, having her respond with that much love and acceptance has been an incredibly emotional and freeing experience. I’m excited to see where this journey takes me, but I also want to take it slowly and make sure we’re both comfortable every step of the way.

More and more men over 40 are coming to terms with their bisexuality in recent years. Bisexual visibility in media is growing. Married men, with children are having a sexual awakening. As someone who embraced my bisexuality when i was in high school and had sex with a man for the first time as a college freshman, it is so liberating to just be open an honest with your sexual partners. It does not have to destroy your family and marriage. Be honest with your spouses. DO NOT CHEAT ON THEM. My dad was a deadbeat cheater. Your children will respect you more when they are old enough to understand. Bisexuality is a beautiful spectrum. When i go outside, i see beautiful people, their gender is irrelevant. Some days i want to eat a girls pussy and fuck her until she screams and shoots her load all over me and other days i want to get on all fours in spandex and suck dick after dick and get men to cum all over my face and body. Just be out and proud of who you are! You only get to live one time and this whole world would be better off if everyone lived as their true and honest self.

Well said sir. Be honest to yourself, and the people that are closest to you. 

The fact that your wife was open to your first time, that's interesting, hot, and maybe a good idea... or not?  Hmm, could be read a few ways, has she ever mentioned any fantasy's of a 3 way?  This could be a great way to increase intimacy with her, and also satisfy your interest in guys. But... I would tread carefully!

My wife has been sexually shut down for a while now. She really has no libido or desire for sex. She enjoys reading her smut stories, but even those don’t seem to provide much actual sexual stimulation for her. Her interest in being present or involved feels more rooted in curiosity than genuine sexual arousal. I had hoped that exploring a cuckold dynamic might somehow help her reconnect with that part of herself. She’s definitely curious about much larger guys, although I think even that may be more of a “how would that even work?” curiosity than an actual sexual desire. For me, the fantasy is being the cuck underneath her, watching another man bring out an excitement and passion in her that I haven’t seen in a long time. If she could finally break through that dry spell and rediscover her sexuality, while I got to experience the intimacy and submission of watching it happen, that would be incredibly intense for me. More than anything, I think what attracts me to the fantasy is the possibility of seeing her genuinely excited and sexually alive again.