(Story) A Presentation By The Director Of Marginal Gains

I wrote this quickie for a mate on this site, but I thought I'd share it with you all too since he's had a while to digest it. You can ask him why he's so fucking kinky if he's man enough to identify himself in the comments :) Now silence please, phones off and pay attention, the Director of Marginal Gains is about to start speaking... ################# Right, settle down please. Martin, if you'd please make sure the door's locked? Good. You lot, phones off please. Yes, even you, PR, you witless oaf. No other recording devices of any kind, hmm? Confidential, top secret and all that. I'll get into it then. Marginal Gains works closely with all of you. We had a lot of early success with Technical, streamlining, bullet helmets and so on. We've seen good results with Nutrition, and of course Skills has done a bang up job optimising and personalising training regimes. Marginal Gains synergises with all of you, but to be honest we've hit a plateau. We've tweaked just about everything we can and we're at the point where we have a handful of strategies that work about the same as each other. Barring some new game changer, we don't see a lot of margin to exploit. We're nearing the limits of what's physically possible. But there is one field where Marginal Gains hasn't been pulling it's weight and where there's clear skies above: Psych. You all remember her what had a thing for Daddy, yes? Yes, don't drool, PR, it's unbecoming. Psych had a big fucking lever with that one and we all leant on it hard. Result: Medals. Gold. Of course, more than one like that at a time and it'll be nervous breakdowns all round, am I right? High fucking maintenance. Never fear, Marginal Gains is here to take the hard work and luck out of the equation. So: here are some hard fucking numbers for you. Keith and I have been working on this for a little while now. One simple change leads to an average 0.7% improvement in times on the track over short to medium distances. When we weight for psych profiles, we see all the gain's on one side of the intro/extro line. Gains are as much as two to three percent on the intro side, on the extro side we've got net zero, even negative results. This is a pretty strong fucking correlation for Marginal Gains in Psych, let me tell you. Yes, don't fucking rush me, PR, I'm getting to it. The thing is, it only works from a standing start, if your starter slips you the thumb. Settle the fuck down! All of you here have fucking done it, so don't give me any of that shit, well, maybe not you, PR, that would be criminal. It's a fucking perk of the job, it's a little fucking reminder of who the boss is, isn't it? Turns out introverts fucking love it. Two to three percent! Just one more example where the data breaks the same way: our fancy new aero suits. We had some of them modified so they couldn't be unzipped without help. We let them stew in them for a good while. The extros were just itching to get out, the intros fucking loved it. Again, gains in the one to two percent range on that side of the graph, this time over all distances on the track. Can we sharpen out focus? Psych's been working that out. Intros come in flavours apparently, we need the right dose of strawberry-lime or whatever it is. See this point out here on it's own? That's one of our second-string academy lads who fits it to a T. Psych and MarGains have been giving him some extra coaching. This part's a bit harder to explain so why don't we bring him in for a quick demo. Martin? Yes I'm sure you have questions PR, you tedious manbaby, so why don't you shut up and listen. Ah, thank you Martin. Stu, come here. Been listening to your reinforcement tracks, have you? Good, good. Lycra comfy? Need to pee? OK, then. Harder. This is keyed to my voice, but in principle it can work with anyone who doesn't sound like a reedy fishwife, so keep dreaming, PR. Note how he starts to shake a bit? That's the initial adrenaline release. Better. This one's an endorphin signaler. He's feeling all warm and nice now. Faster. Cortisol winds him up like a spring. Stronger. That's the go signal. You should give that less than ten seconds before the sprint if possible, otherwise at the start. So, as you can see, with the right psych profile, and the right combination of training and triggers, we can obtain low-level control of stress biochemistry. We can get young Stu, and others like him, into just the right physical state for maximum performance at exactly the right time. How many performances have been ruined by nerves? How many by indifference? No more of that, science has found the way. Marginal Gains are leading the charge, as usual. Trust you to fucking point it out, PR. Well, nobody's going to notice when he's bent over on the bike, are they? No, his lycra rubbing against it won't make him spunk himself, he's a good lad not some fucking pervert from the marketing department. He only gets to come when I say 'Lizzie Licks Lesbians'... Right, sorry Stu, didn't mean to say that out loud. You'll be alright. Don't worry, nobody's recording anything in here, not if they know what's good for them. Let's take a break. When we come back we can show everyone that thing you like doing so much, you know, on your knees...